Honestly, I wasn't understanding much of anything at the time.
[She sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair.]
I got spooked already with Daan, and the blood. He started getting cryptic with me and I couldn't handle the idea. And then listening to her, and realizing it might have been Rondo...God, there's no excuse, really. I'm not trying to make one. I wasn't thinking.
And it cost us all. Maybe she would have flipped anyway, maybe not. Too late to know now.
[There's a thickness in her throat. Camille grimaces. Looks to Robin, weary, wet-eyed.]
It doesn't count for much, but I am sorry. I didn't want to do that to her. Never her.
You don't have to apologize to me. It wasn't me you hurt.
[ it's not dismissive. she means it to gently guide camille from being too down on herself but also as a soft statement that others were visibly hurt more. ]
I never asked you how you felt after you arrived here. [ i have conflicting feelings about what they did and how they did it. ] But after all that and all that you've experienced, I would understand how overwhelmed you would be.
Meanwhile, Robin goes for another angle. Camille's gaze stays frozen on the floor, low-lidded. Conflicted is the word of the week, yeah. Plenty of people have told her the same.]
That might be more luxury than any of us can afford. [She smiles thinly.] I'm...doing it day by day. I don't know.
[Gotta "make the most of it". Or else.
What's a burnout like her going to do with a second shot at life? Especially here, where they're running out of time and dropping like flies?]
Well. I would have liked to never set foot here at all. But, um...
[She drifts off. Looking away. Working through something thick and miserable, clogging up her throat and thoughts alike. Finally, she admits.]
Staying dead would have been easier. But then it's...I didn't see anything. It was nothing.
And now we're getting letters from them, and I'm wondering what the hell happened. Whether it's real and if they're all right. [Whether Karlach will be. Whether Daan will. She wants to heave. That wetness lining her remaining eye drips to a tear and she blinks fast to fight it. Wipes it off fast. Sorry. One word, and then he was gone.] I'd hoped...if I had to go somewhere after, it would at least be familiar.
I'm not religious. There's no magic where I come from, just wishful thinking. I didn't want to die. Just, living here. Coming back to this.
[ in a lot of ways, this isn't surprising to hear, but that doesn't make it hurt less to hear. she closes her eyes and nods to show she's listening and opens her eyes to respond. ]
A fair trade for what?
[ she wants to fully understand what camille means instead of assuming she knows what she meant. ]
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no subject
[She sighs, scrubbing a hand through her hair.]
I got spooked already with Daan, and the blood. He started getting cryptic with me and I couldn't handle the idea. And then listening to her, and realizing it might have been Rondo...God, there's no excuse, really. I'm not trying to make one. I wasn't thinking.
And it cost us all. Maybe she would have flipped anyway, maybe not. Too late to know now.
[There's a thickness in her throat. Camille grimaces. Looks to Robin, weary, wet-eyed.]
It doesn't count for much, but I am sorry. I didn't want to do that to her. Never her.
no subject
[ it's not dismissive. she means it to gently guide camille from being too down on herself but also as a soft statement that others were visibly hurt more. ]
I never asked you how you felt after you arrived here. [ i have conflicting feelings about what they did and how they did it. ] But after all that and all that you've experienced, I would understand how overwhelmed you would be.
You barely had any time to process anything.
no subject
[She's got a couple house calls to make.
Meanwhile, Robin goes for another angle. Camille's gaze stays frozen on the floor, low-lidded. Conflicted is the word of the week, yeah. Plenty of people have told her the same.]
That might be more luxury than any of us can afford. [She smiles thinly.] I'm...doing it day by day. I don't know.
[Gotta "make the most of it". Or else.
What's a burnout like her going to do with a second shot at life? Especially here, where they're running out of time and dropping like flies?]
no subject
What did you want to happen? If you could have chosen?
[ instead of having both death and life sprung upon her? ]
no subject
Well. I would have liked to never set foot here at all. But, um...
[She drifts off. Looking away. Working through something thick and miserable, clogging up her throat and thoughts alike. Finally, she admits.]
Staying dead would have been easier. But then it's...I didn't see anything. It was nothing.
And now we're getting letters from them, and I'm wondering what the hell happened. Whether it's real and if they're all right. [Whether Karlach will be. Whether Daan will. She wants to heave. That wetness lining her remaining eye drips to a tear and she blinks fast to fight it. Wipes it off fast. Sorry. One word, and then he was gone.] I'd hoped...if I had to go somewhere after, it would at least be familiar.
I'm not religious. There's no magic where I come from, just wishful thinking. I didn't want to die. Just, living here. Coming back to this.
Sometimes it doesn't seem like a fair trade.
no subject
A fair trade for what?
[ she wants to fully understand what camille means instead of assuming she knows what she meant. ]