[the resentment is a shock to feel, and the fact that it is a shock -- that he doesn't ever remember Robin showing these kinds of emotions, even though she must have felt them when she was her normal self -- make him sadder.]
...I don't know.
Maybe if I noticed ahead of time, then I could have killed you. Like Kate. Or maybe I wouldn't have done anything, and just wanted you to live.
[nothing rational or logical or something he can write in the margins of a book and have it make sense. only the feeling and desire, something both childish and too grown-up.]
[at the words 'brother' something painful twists in Lavi. it's not a surprise to hear she has one, not after meeting her child self. but the desire to protect him no matter what -- it's so familiar.
it shouldn't be a surprise that it is.]
...I don't have a solution for the monster.
But I can promise that I won't let you stay on that side. That I'll do whatever I can to get you and the others out.
Thank you, Lavi. Those are comforting words to hear.
[ she doesn't need false hopes. if they couldn't do anything for kate, who deserves more of a chance to live than she does, she doesn't expect anything for her.
there's a tired and sad acceptance. ]
So many letters from the others said we'd likely meet again soon, so it might not be too long.
[her acceptance hurts too -- a little like a knife, even though if he were in her position -- then would he be feeling any differently? he'd accept his fate too -- had even wished for it last weekend.]
Maybe I won't even have time to write you a letter before you're all back.
[it doesn't count as false hope if he can acknowledge it, right? maybe. he thinks.]
But if there is time... then I'll write. And I'll finally get to have a letter from you.
Hehe... I hope those people continue to make it grow on you.
[ she'd like for him to be less alone and less like he feels that he must be alone. ]
My brother is someone who tries to take on too many burdens on himself. In an effort to help others, he was more cruel to himself than he had to be. He cared so much he scorched himself.
We do, but how we wanted to accomplish that... in the time I left our home to tour the cosmos, he changed. Instead of flying too close to the sun, he tried to become the sun.
[ talking about her brother feels her with a deep and raw heartache. it's still too fresh for her. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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What is it, Lavi?
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[he walks up to the bubble to look at her and then, he sinks to the ground, folding himself onto the floor. exhaustion ebbs and flows]
...I'm sorry.
[he didn't want this for robin the most --]
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[ her emotions lash out. there is a sense of resentment. ]
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...I don't know.
Maybe if I noticed ahead of time, then I could have killed you. Like Kate. Or maybe I wouldn't have done anything, and just wanted you to live.
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... Why?
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...Because I want to.
I don't have any other reason besides that.
[nothing rational or logical or something he can write in the margins of a book and have it make sense. only the feeling and desire, something both childish and too grown-up.]
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I should be happy to hear that, but it makes me want to cry.
[ to hear him want something that has nothing to do with his bookman duties. ]
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You don't have to feel like you should. ...You can just feel.
That's what you'd say to me.
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... I would live, if you wanted. If the others wanted.
[ she would do that. she could do that, but it would hurt her. ]
But I don't know what kind of person I would be, after this.
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...I'd like you to live as yourself. And maybe a little more freely -- like you want for me.
But I don't want you to suffer any longer, like Kate did. ...I want you to decide what you want. For yourself.
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It is never death that I fear, only knowing that I can't be in a place that I know the safety of my brother is guaranteed.
[ that's been her whole time here. ]
But I don't want to be someone who harms others like I have.
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it shouldn't be a surprise that it is.]
...I don't have a solution for the monster.
But I can promise that I won't let you stay on that side. That I'll do whatever I can to get you and the others out.
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[ she doesn't need false hopes. if they couldn't do anything for kate, who deserves more of a chance to live than she does, she doesn't expect anything for her.
there's a tired and sad acceptance. ]
So many letters from the others said we'd likely meet again soon, so it might not be too long.
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Maybe I won't even have time to write you a letter before you're all back.
[it doesn't count as false hope if he can acknowledge it, right? maybe. he thinks.]
But if there is time... then I'll write. And I'll finally get to have a letter from you.
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I'll write you first thing.
[ she tries to smile but fails. ]
But we can hope the time is short.
[ it's hard to pinpoint what's true and false right now, if robin is honest. ]
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But I met you, and some people who are -- so I guess it's grown on me after all.
[even though it's not supposed to, but Lavi is too tired to think of all the rules he's breaking.]
...Can you tell me about your brother? I'd like to hear more about him.
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[ she'd like for him to be less alone and less like he feels that he must be alone. ]
My brother is someone who tries to take on too many burdens on himself. In an effort to help others, he was more cruel to himself than he had to be. He cared so much he scorched himself.
He is also... someone I made too lonely.
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How? ...You both have the same dream, right? To grant happiness.
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[ talking about her brother feels her with a deep and raw heartache. it's still too fresh for her. ]
And I helped cast him down from the sky.
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[ the heartache intensifies before violence surges back to the forefront, and her expression twists. ]
But what does it matter anymore? I'm here now. In a place that no one can get to just like my brother.
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It matters because they should have. You deserve to know.
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I've been left in the dark for so many things. What's one more?